Waqt

Still confused. I'm kind of buzzing though at the moment because after an e-mailed suggestion from me on Friday and an acceptance from her on Monday we took this afternoon off work and went out to see the long-awaited Bollywood Movie - one "Waqt". Really sentimental towards the end and unfortunately while I was laughing at this I looked to my left and saw her dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief, along with all the Aunties in the audience. No serious harm done though, I think.

We had lunch first and a long talk over a drink afterwards - she told me about leaving her husband a few years back because she wanted to live in Stanmore and he didn't - he followed her eventually, rather to her disappointment apparently, although as she needed his income to pay her new mortgage she reluctantly agreed. So I would say there may be a convenience element in her marriage...

So I told her about Tracey, Susan and the whole escorting thing, as well as my trip to the S&M club at Turnmills all those years ago. Two episodes! I'd better be careful, there's some danger of running out of personal history. Rationing required. Anyway, perhaps the main reason for mentioning Tracey was so that I could repeat her dictum that it's the things you don't do that you regret, not the things you do.

Putting your arm around someone in the cinema is just dismally corny of course, but I figured either she was waiting for me to do it or she would object and matters would be clarified, so I gave it a try in the most half-hearted and diffident way imaginable. She didn't object, but she didn't respond either and after a while I took my arm back. So no regrets there but no rejoicing either. I need a bit of feedback in these matters at the very least, and preferably to be on the receiving end of the seduction. We did kiss at the station but only on the cheek, quickly because both our trains were arriving. Willesden is a bit exposed for that sort of thing anyway, the Gujarati community is widespread and news travels fast - apparently on a previous outing with a work colleague news that she had been seen out with a white man reached her home and husband before she did.

The drink thing was interesting. She'd told me before that she didn't drink because it gave her a migraine, but apparently last week her friend insisted she have a Southern Comfort and Lemonade and she's enjoyed it and the rest of the evening so much she hadn't wanted to go home. So she had a drink this afternoon and hopefully this won't have brought about any ill-effects. I told her if she was now able to drink I'd take her to the Trafalgar Bar and buy her a Sazerac, so here's hoping.

We've definitely agreed to go out again anyway, but I insisted on a my-sort-of-thing next - her chosen event is the horse riding lessons and frankly I want to put that off as long as possible. I reckon my price for getting on a horse should be full sexual intercourse at the very least, but that's not really the sort of thing you can say to someone who doesn't react when you put your arm round them.

Ah, disappointing to be home... I wish I was still with her.

Down

In the grip of a pronounced depression. I've been trying to pin it down and it's definitely connected with Indira. I think it's the promise of sweetness and adventure removed, the bleakness of everyday existence renewed. I'd spent 1 1/2 hours Thursday evening helping with her latest job app and then for some reason she seemed less friendly Friday morning.

Something impelled me to check her online calendar where I found she'd apparently deleted all mention of Bob - I checked his diary (which I assume will be deleted soon) and found an entry I'd missed for an evening last November - "de-stressing session with Indira". Even though I already assumed an affair, this was like a punch in the guts - how these things can induce a real physical sensation I really don't know. So I think that's what started me off. She was away at court in the afternoon and in the evening I went to see a Kiarostami film; got home still feeling down and woke up the same way.

It doesn't seem debilitating, this depression, in fact I got up very early and I've started doing some of the things around the house that I've been putting off for months.

Perhaps it's the idea that I've been fooling myself, that she actually loves Bob or at least he fulfils all her needs and she isn't interested in any further extramural dalliances. That would be bad. And my usual insecurity, just the feeling that I'm inadequate, she's not interested in me, he's the sort of guy that she wants. And again, the feeling that there was an interest there and I've blown it; I said the wrong thing or failed to capitalise at the right moment. Women are so difficult.

stretched...

OK, well, a lot of time has passed and nothing has happened. We had lunch one more time, I asked her to come and listen to some free sitar music at the South Bank which she couldn't do due to a parents' evening, but her response "maybe another time" was not too encouraging. We still have the arrangement to go and see the Bollywood movie but she doesn't seem to be doing much about organising it. She has brought me in Gujarati food from home a couple of times though, which was lovely.

So either she was interested and has lost interest, or she's got fed up waiting for me to make a move, or she's realised my interest is more than friendly and is backing off. Not brilliant choices really.

In addition, I've had to move desks and sit opposite her for reasons we won't go into here, which is nice in some ways but perhaps familiarity breeds contempt. Hmmnn. Also, Bob the Builder has left our organisation - she and I both attended his leaving do, people in the office were kind of dropping hints about him and her so maybe my suspicions were correct - and it looks like the knowledge was a little commoner than I supposed. She seemed to be on very friendly terms with some of the operatives as well. I'm actually jealous - how about that?

Today she left for the day at lunchtime, announcing she'd tell me all about it tomorrow. I await the news with interest. Wednesdays is her self-day of course. I've been wondering whether to invite her to do something afternoony for weeks - looks as though someone may hae beaten me to it.

Damn, this is not good. I need to make something happen, but not at the risk of utterly cacking up our friendship. I'm helping her fill in another job application anyway, we'll see how that goes. Hopefully also the next blog entry will have a bit more flair...