Down

In the grip of a pronounced depression. I've been trying to pin it down and it's definitely connected with Indira. I think it's the promise of sweetness and adventure removed, the bleakness of everyday existence renewed. I'd spent 1 1/2 hours Thursday evening helping with her latest job app and then for some reason she seemed less friendly Friday morning.

Something impelled me to check her online calendar where I found she'd apparently deleted all mention of Bob - I checked his diary (which I assume will be deleted soon) and found an entry I'd missed for an evening last November - "de-stressing session with Indira". Even though I already assumed an affair, this was like a punch in the guts - how these things can induce a real physical sensation I really don't know. So I think that's what started me off. She was away at court in the afternoon and in the evening I went to see a Kiarostami film; got home still feeling down and woke up the same way.

It doesn't seem debilitating, this depression, in fact I got up very early and I've started doing some of the things around the house that I've been putting off for months.

Perhaps it's the idea that I've been fooling myself, that she actually loves Bob or at least he fulfils all her needs and she isn't interested in any further extramural dalliances. That would be bad. And my usual insecurity, just the feeling that I'm inadequate, she's not interested in me, he's the sort of guy that she wants. And again, the feeling that there was an interest there and I've blown it; I said the wrong thing or failed to capitalise at the right moment. Women are so difficult.