...and relax...

She's on leave this week, and most of next. Frankly it's nice to have a rest.

That said, one of my team asked me about the fraud case palaver yesterday and said she'd heard Bob might be involved. Well, yes he was I said and gave a rough outline. Today I thought better and asked her not to tell anyone else - they all knew already, she said. A llot of people seemed to think he had it coming, particularly the women. Arrogant, she said, swagger, tan, all that.

Funny thing, my boss used that exact same word when she was talking about him with me last week. "Arrogant". Hmm. Well, very popular characteristic with the ladies, that, in my experience.

And I did succumb again to the temptation to rifle through his and her online diaries again. I found seven lunch dates starting in March 2004, the supposedly declined "de-stressing" invitation, and entry reading "Laptop for Mrs B-" and a few occasions where they both took the same Friday off - which could be co-incidence of course. I also found a Saturday entry for him where he appeared to have scheduled a day at the races with the co-accused contractor (same first name anyway).

I don't know, perhaps it's just the not knowing that's the draw. People love detective stories, don't they?

So that's all for now. In general my plan is to work as hard as I can on on not being bothered, non-attachment, and just wait and see what happens, play things by ear. I'd like to get her on her own again and talk to her properly but she's seemed less keen as I think I've noted previously, so I'll follow her lead as best I can.

Bad Week at Black Rock...

Odd sort of a week. Wednesday, following needling by a co-worker about making coffee for Indira I suggested to her that she should buy the next tin, thinking that this would give me a ready justification in future. Later I realised that as she didn't know about the needling and sees the coffee-making as a favour (besides which I normally use her milk) this sudden demand for coffee purchasing must have looked a bit odd, so I e-mailed an explanation and told her to forget it. "I was a bit shocked..." she said. "...I might have known Pingu was behind it".

The good news in the same communication - she says she did thoroughly enjoy the Globe, and she seems keen on the balloon trip we've been discussing, despite her fear of heights. "I'm entirely at your disposal" I said.

Between parts 1 and 2 of this, a phone call from Mrs K at home. She'd been trying to copy and paste something into an e-mail and hadn't pressed "copy" properly. Therefore the whole of yesterday's blog entry (which as explained I cut & pasted from Notepad after the first version was deleted by Blogspot) appeared in her e-mail. She read me the first few lines and asked me if it seemed familiar. "Dunno..." I replied, quick as a flash. Doh!

Spent a couple of nights away from home after this so I was rather anxious about what might occur on my return, but either she didn't realise what it was or she's decided the best course is to ignore it, so there doesn't seem to be a problem. It was pretty damning stuff I would have thought, even if it does refer to disengagement and so forth... Honestly though, what are the chances of that happening?

Then a snippy response from Suki to an e-mail I sent her about Jean Charles de Menezes, a Brazilian shot and killed at my local tube station by police who mistook him for a terrorist. I'd told her I was bothered by this when we went out a couple of Sundays back and was shocked when she said it was his own stupid fault for running from the police. Recent information suggests early police accounts of the incident were very misleading and he didn't run from them but only to catch his train. My concerns were based on a knee-jerk belief that the police were fascists, she said, not because I knew what had happened, "and guess what, you still don't". Well not knowing what had happened certainly didn't stop her from saying it was his own fault, but I decided it was best not to get into an argument. She's been dealing with all the bodies from the earlier terrorist attacks in her role as a pathologist - perhaps she has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Bim's brother Jules has it after the East Asian Tsunami and it's apparently made him very hostile and aggressive.

Finally, news from my boss about Bob the Builder and the fraud case. It seems he was caught because his phone calls were listened back to following a customer complaint and he was heard discussing kickbacks with the contractor. Presumably he didn't realise his calls were being recorded. The contractor has apparently confessed but Bob continues to deny everything. Of course if they've listened back to all his phone calls they will doubtless have heard his phone conversations with Indira too. That would certainly be a cue for preoccupation on her part.

I don't know whether to drop hints to her about this, ask her outright or say nothing at all. I'm inclined to say that I have a feeling the mother-in-law issue isn't all that's bothering her and let her tell me more if she wants to, but either way I need to wait until we've got significant time alone together - two minutes snatched chat in the kitchen won't do. I've decided to wait until she makes an invitation this time - hopefully she'll suggest lunch one day next week - so this may not happen for a while, although we are due to make a joint visit to a customer on Thursday...

The shock of the cut & paste disaster, Indy's rather distant demeanour on Tuesday and Monday's stupidness have combined to rather dampen my ardour anyway. I'm still rather curious about what she's up to (and yes I do know it's none of my business) and whether she has any intentions at all so far as I'm concerned, but hopefully the worst of the wobbling is over. I need to concentrate harder on my work, apart from anything else...

Crossing the Line

Again this blasted website lost my entire post. Life is too short for this crap. I have to get into the habit of cutting and pasting so I have a backup.

So, yesterday I definitely crossed the line from infatuation into madness - I noticed she was gone from her desk at 12.15 and actually walked all the way up to David's Diner where we went for lunch last week to see if she was in there and who with. I walked past but didn't spot her, and of course ever since I've been worried that she was there after all and saw me attempting to spy on her. Not the sort of thing you can really ask about either.

Then in the afternoon an e-mail - had I already booked the tickets? That didn't sound good, I replied, yes I had, what was the news? No worries, she said, it would be OK. Hmm.

Well, I guess it was OK - we met at the tube, light conversation, walked over the Millenium Bridge, got to the theatre just in time. The play was OK, she said she enjoyed it but to be honest looked as if she'd rather be elsewhere much of the time, which she put down to trouble at home with the husband and mother in law. She spent quite a lot of time telling me about this, which I was quite happy with - I didn't really want to push her to discuss anything else and most of our talking time was spent travelling to and fro - not really conducive to intimate confessions. She declined my offer of a coffee afterwards on the grounds that she had to rush home for dinner with her daughters on account of this daytime fast they're all pursuing.

So a process of disengagement I think. It was OK, cordial and friendly, not a bad way to spend an afternoon as long as you don't have illusions about anything more. I seem to be making my way back from the abyss although maybe I'll feel different later. We parted on the tube and I kissed her near, not on, the lips.

Then I met up with my friend Spike & we ate sushi and went to see East Coast art-rockers Yo La Tengo - my idea but he was even more impressed with them that I was. Loud and quiet music - hurrah!

Exit, pursued by a bear

Hmm. I did ask her about her preoccupation this week. She told me that it was about things at home. "It's not looking good", she said. I had the sudden urge to know a lot more about this, but as we only had a couple of minutes before starting work Thursday there wasn't really time. Is it an infidelity thing or just the usual problems with the in-laws? The idea that she might get divorced fills me with dismay for some reason - perhaps because I think it would mean she has someone else to go to. Whereas at present I still have this sweet little fantasy of us getting together in the afternoons for discreet extra-marital encounters; try as I might to put the idea out of my mind.

Anyway, we are going to see The Winter's Tale on Tuesday; it's all confirmed and I've booked the tickets. I've also got tickets to see art-chic New York band Yo La Tengo the same evening - she won't be able to come to that, so it provides a useful end-point to our afternoon and precludes any notion (and consequent disappointment) I might have about retiring to my flat afterwards. Although it does enable me to say "I would invite you to come and look at my flat but..." which is quite a good combination of come-on and put-off.

The first thing I said to her was "how is your project going?" which caused her to look rather shifty and alarmed. I explained I meant her fast. What other projects did she have on the go? well, never mind....

I have to report a ludicrous outbreak of jealousy (or rather envy since you can only be jealous of things you actually possess). I find myself wanting to follow her at lunchtime to see who she's meeting; Friday she had the day off and I immediately assumed she'd arranged to spend the day with Bob as I have guessed she did on the 15th. And maybe it's so, and believe me I know full well that it's none of my business, but there it is, you can't control your desires and feelings, even if you don't act on them or even take them seriously. I've even toyed with the idea of going to look at her house (from the street only of course). I am a bit intimidated by the idea that she has a large house in suburbia and a wealthy husband, I also need somewhat shamefacedly to report.

So what's my plan for Tuesday? I'll try and get her to be a bit more forthcoming about what she's up to in her personal life and what's going on at home. I might also try and discuss polyamoury in approving, free-sprited, man-of-the-world terms, if I can work it into the conversation. Regarding anything else, I'll follow her lead - if she looks as though she wants me to ask personal questions, touch her or discuss our relationship I will, but otherwise I'll just be friendly - also less stressful for me as it takes the pressure off. In a way it's a shame we're going to the theatre as valuable conversation time will be taken up with listening to actors, but on the other hand hopefully she will really enjoy the Globe experience - being associated in someone's mind with enjoyable activities has to be a good thing...

What I do intend to say is that I feel I've rather dragged her into the Globe trip, and that the next outing should be entirely up to her, both in date, duration and activity. I might then be plunged into a further agony of waiting, but at least I shall be sure next time that she really does want to spend time with me and isn't just being polite. Although there are a couple of films I'd really like to take her to coming up next month - "Belle de Jour" and "Aguirre the Wrath of God", as well as a noted Bollywood actor being interviewed at the NFT...

I've also told her that I've come up with some outrageous ideas for future outings (the O-word was hers) so now I have to tell her what these are. Actually I do have some non-sexual ones, chief among which is a day-trip to Venice by low-cost airline, but I felt it was good to leave her to imagine for a while. Perhaps I should ask her to guess what I have in mind...

Meanwhile Mrs K and I are going to the Ealing Mela on Sunday, a large Asian cultural festival organised by Bim's brother. Indira might well be going to this with her family - interesting if we meet...

Sleep no more...

I went to bed early and woke up at 2am with sudden absolute clarity about the situation - she is in love with him, I need to entirely kill any idea of anything between us, the flirting was just idle flirting. It all fits the observable facts, even down to her being cagey about the theatre trip after our last lunch outing, during which I made sure to touch her hand very gently with mine about three times at key points as recommended by the seduction guides. She wants to disengage, and I should too.

Perhaps the only sensible thing is to get her to be open about everything. I could just ask her straight out what she knows about the arrest as a way in. If there's no room whatsoever for doubt or fantasy it might save a lot of bother in the long run - even though I'm clear at the moment, the mind will start playing tricks again later. Or perhaps I should just withdraw the theatre invite and be formal and polite only from now on.

and on...

I think she said hello to me as I came into the office - I did say hello back but don't think she heard me. I was kind of rushing past because I still had my cycling shorts on. Anyway, a little later I finally got a response to Thursday's e-mail. I was a little worried about what this might contain but it just said she was somewhat preoccupied this week and could we do the theatre next week?

No problem, in fact preferable for me - somehow this week seemed too soon, plus my boss is on holiday so I'm supposed to be in charge of the office so taking an afternoon off is not really best practice. She's got to check whether she can do the Tuesday, apparently, so it's not finally confirmed yet. I asked her if her fast precluded coffee and she said no, so I made her one.

I didn't want to appear petulant, but I did want to look assertive. I wonder if I've managed that? And what is she preoccupied with? It could be the fast, the family, or possibly the situation with our former colleague under investigation for fraud? Another member of staff asked me if I knew the contractor had been visited by the fraud squad, but didn't mention the former colleague. Life would be a lot easier, if perhaps less interesting, if you could just ask people things and expect to be told the truth, but it's just not the way things work. I need to find someone to gossip with... Anyway, I think I shall ask her the subject of her preoccupation, if I can get her on her own. Not that I would expect to get a straight answer, but it would be good to put her on the spot.

Leaving that aside, I really, really should find another point of feminine interest, to dilute this whatever-it-is a bit. There are a lot of women in this city and I should really make an effort to meet a few more of them before I get absolutely too old for it to be of any use. I used to get out and do things - I've been staying at home far too much in recent years, or just going to the cinema. No-one I know seems to have parties any more...

Incidentally, Bombay has been subjected to some really serious flooding over the last couple of weeks, so it's probably a good thing Indira and family didn't get to go.

Damn...!

In more ways than one. I typed a whole entry and blogger.com contrived to lose the whole thing in the course of publishing it so I have to start again.

OK, then, reconstituted as best I can....

I arrived at work to find she'd made no response to my theatre invitation of last Thursday. I waited all day to see if an e-mail would arrive but nothing did, and the responses she sent to my work e-mails were curt, if not frosty. Was she angry with me because of the Bob-the-Builder arrest affair? Did she think I'd known and not told her? Did she associate the event with me in some way?

Then at the end of the the day she brought me a copy of last week's local paper and smiled at me and I felt better. Sad. Still no word on the theatre issue though.

Perhaps she just doesn't want to go to the Globe - a shame because I really want to take her and I really think she'd enjoy it - it's a pretty spectacular night out. Perhaps she's waiting to see if her schedule will accommodate an afternoon off. Or perhaps she's just letting me dangle for a bit, for the hell of it. In fact the last option might even be the most positive, this whole thing might be as much about game-playing as anything else and if she's still getting a kick out of playing that may be a good sign. Anyway, I don't think I should remind her. We'll just have to wait and see...

I don't know quite how I can have got so hung up over this woman, now that I think about it. There are plenty of better looking, sexier, brighter and more interesting women around after all. Really all we have here is a pretty but slightly podgy Indian housewife with nice eyes. Can it just be that I've lost my head because she flirted with me a little? Or rather that I let myself imagine she might be serious about it? Was I just waiting for someone, anyone to fall for? It didn't take very long from first lunch invitation to spending £160 on opera tickets so I must have been very keen very early, it's not something that's crept up on me gradually. But there again, it may not be that big of a deal for me either, despite all these outpourings. Perhaps I'm just playing games too. I find that I always do have someone at the back of my mind (or near the front) to fantasise over. At least it makes a change from Mrs K's sister.

Last Thursday she asked about my progress decorating my flat - I told her I was having motivation problems - her cue to suggest visiting and giving me some instruction, or at least to again tell me she wanted to rent a room. But nothing except the suggestion of putting some music on while I work. Hmm. Perhaps further evidence to support the theory that she's realised how I feel and that her plan to use my flat as a love-nest for her and a friend is not really a runner? Or maybe just that she had a bit of a post-migraine headache and wasn't really up to flirtatious banter that day?

Of course this is the first week of her fast so she may be feeling a little fragile on account of that. It can't be easy to subsist on one meal a day. Why do people do these things to themselves? All religions seem to insist on you not doing enjoyable things. Why can't we have one that says it's OK to have a good time?

She's quite serious about the religion thing though. Perhaps she's a well-behaved wife after all, at least sexually. Although being a church-goer doesn't seem much of a guarantee of fidelity in the Christian world, so it's hardly a foregone conclusion...

whither goest thou?

We had lunch near the office - she'd had a migraine the night before so wasn't very hungry. Although we agreed eventually that 'going local' wasn't ideal because we didn't really want to be seen together, she didn't really want to walk far or eat too much. We went to a deli just up the road with a quiet back room - she explained she'd been there with someone else, but didn't tell me who and I didn't ask.

She spent a lot of time telling me about troubles with her in-laws - family funeral had to be held in her house because it was big and in a nice area, mother-in-law had moved all her furniture into the garage and scratched the floor, etc etc.

"Talk about something you like" I suggested. "What do you really like to do?". So then we got on to the upcoming 'pampering' weekend she's taking with her friends - they've all had to sign contracts swearing them to secrecy about whatever happens. Perhaps she could tell me though, she mused... "you could sign a contract with me" I suggested. "Then I'd have to tell you everything" she replied. "I might not want to hear everything" I countered, and she sort of nodded. Hmm. What does that mean? What I think it means, or something else? Does she see me as a disappointed suitor whose feelings are not to be hurt overly, or am I misinterpreting? It was good to have a confidente, I suggested and she said that she thought the best thing was to tell different people different things so that no-one had the whole picture of your life.

Anyway, she said that boyfriends were not allowed on the weekend although some of the girls had threatened to bring them. Anyone they met on the weekend itself was fair game, she suggested, but they weren't allowed to bring or arrange to meet anyone.

We did get quite naturally onto the subject of holidays - her ideal was an East African safari, so we immediately had some common ground there - her friends, she said, liked to sleep late, sit around all day and then party at night, whereas she liked to get up early, do adventurous things and then relax in the afternoon. Are we angling towards going on holiday together? Perhaps...

She told me all about the wedding she'd attended between her Hindu friend and her Muslim partner, both of whose families had disowned them as a result. The friend had wanted a low-key affair which Indira wasn't at all happy about - according to her she harangued this friend mercilessly about the lack of decorations, her dowdy dress, substandard cake, failure to dance and hiding of balloons under the table at the reception. Her friend also apparently complained later that Indira danced with her new husband and sat on his lap. Is she actually not a sweet person at all but a total bitch? Well possibly....

The fast starts next week and it lasts a month! We wouldn't be able to go out to lunch, I suggested. I could eat while she talked, she countered. As if. I'd feel so guilty... Perhaps I could eat first and then we could go out for 'lunch' after. Anyway, I've e-mailed her suggesting that we go to a theatre matinee next week - to take her mind off being hungry, I offered. Getting right away from the office and relaxing properly was definitely preferable to the perils of lunch.

One of my staff was outside the office having a cigarette when we returned - not ideal. Later in the afternoon, my boss told me that Bob the Builder had been arrested for fraud, together with the manager of our maintenance contractor. She suggested that I might have heard something about this already "on the grapevine". Did she mean from Indira? Oh the paranoia...

That's an interesting thing though. Indy certainly didn't even hint at any such thing, but perhaps she wasn't yet aware? It happened the previous day, though, apparently. I could ask her if she knows, and what she knows, but she's not acknowledged to me that she's close to Bob, and I don't entirely want to let her know I know, in case she wants it to be secret from me, and perhaps because I feel it gives me a little bit of an edge that she doesn't know I know. Or perhaps she does know I know and I don't want to let her know that I know she knows I know. You see the sort of thing.

She appears to be somewhat friendly with Niles as well, the former manager of her team, who's currently suspended for lying to our manager about an issue I won't bore you with here. I suspect she may have been speaking with him on the phone and perhaps taking lunch with him. The curse of Indira? Perhaps I should watch my step...

How do I feel presently, anyway? I'm not sure. I still think about her way too much of the time, but generally it's not painful at present. I'm thinking maybe I should ask her straight out what her intentions are, say I really want to make love to her but if she's not interested in being more than friends it'll make my life a lot easier because I won't have to keep our outings a secret from Mrs K (or indeed from the office). Should she actually be undecided, or even just waiting for the right psychological moment, that might push her into rejection mode. On the other hand it would put me in control of the situation, put her on the spot and remove this ambiguity which is moving from being rather fun to being rather difficult. On the third hand, having to write off all possibility of sex would take a lot of the frisson out of our outings - holding hands on Hampstead Heath for example was exquisite even if counterpointed with pain. Maybe we should have a couple of entirely-away-from-the-office outings and see if anything develops before making any drastic decisions.

...and on...

No word yet, then, arriving at work today, she was unexpectedly there. Apparently she cancelled the second half of her fortnight's leave as she has some sort of family commitment later and needs to save leave for that. I offered to make her a coffee, she accepted, we had a chat about this and her upcoming fast - one meal a day for a week (or was it a month?), no onions or garlic - religious reasons apparently but it also helps with slimming....

Anyway, later in the day she brought a blank pad of paper and left it on my desk, I assumed because she wanted to talk to me, needed an excuse, and then hadn't been able to speak to me as my colleague opposite was there (the office e-mail system was down today). I was going to text her a mobile phone message "?", but then before I could she texted me "fancy lunch tomrrn?". Oh I do, I do, you have no idea how much, but I had to reply that I'd booked leave, so unless she wanted to meet me in the West End, it would have to be Thursday. This not looking too keen is all very well, but it's incredibly frustrating.

Damn, I want this woman so much. I'm trying so hard not to obsess, to make her one woman among many; I've invited the sister-in-law out for drinks to a frankly somewhat frosty reception (she appears to have a New Man), I've invited the ex, Jenny to come to London exclusively to visit me (she says she'll e-mail me once they get their computer set up after moving house), but still, all the time, my thoughts turn back to Indira.... Please, please give me a break here....!