whither goest thou?

We had lunch near the office - she'd had a migraine the night before so wasn't very hungry. Although we agreed eventually that 'going local' wasn't ideal because we didn't really want to be seen together, she didn't really want to walk far or eat too much. We went to a deli just up the road with a quiet back room - she explained she'd been there with someone else, but didn't tell me who and I didn't ask.

She spent a lot of time telling me about troubles with her in-laws - family funeral had to be held in her house because it was big and in a nice area, mother-in-law had moved all her furniture into the garage and scratched the floor, etc etc.

"Talk about something you like" I suggested. "What do you really like to do?". So then we got on to the upcoming 'pampering' weekend she's taking with her friends - they've all had to sign contracts swearing them to secrecy about whatever happens. Perhaps she could tell me though, she mused... "you could sign a contract with me" I suggested. "Then I'd have to tell you everything" she replied. "I might not want to hear everything" I countered, and she sort of nodded. Hmm. What does that mean? What I think it means, or something else? Does she see me as a disappointed suitor whose feelings are not to be hurt overly, or am I misinterpreting? It was good to have a confidente, I suggested and she said that she thought the best thing was to tell different people different things so that no-one had the whole picture of your life.

Anyway, she said that boyfriends were not allowed on the weekend although some of the girls had threatened to bring them. Anyone they met on the weekend itself was fair game, she suggested, but they weren't allowed to bring or arrange to meet anyone.

We did get quite naturally onto the subject of holidays - her ideal was an East African safari, so we immediately had some common ground there - her friends, she said, liked to sleep late, sit around all day and then party at night, whereas she liked to get up early, do adventurous things and then relax in the afternoon. Are we angling towards going on holiday together? Perhaps...

She told me all about the wedding she'd attended between her Hindu friend and her Muslim partner, both of whose families had disowned them as a result. The friend had wanted a low-key affair which Indira wasn't at all happy about - according to her she harangued this friend mercilessly about the lack of decorations, her dowdy dress, substandard cake, failure to dance and hiding of balloons under the table at the reception. Her friend also apparently complained later that Indira danced with her new husband and sat on his lap. Is she actually not a sweet person at all but a total bitch? Well possibly....

The fast starts next week and it lasts a month! We wouldn't be able to go out to lunch, I suggested. I could eat while she talked, she countered. As if. I'd feel so guilty... Perhaps I could eat first and then we could go out for 'lunch' after. Anyway, I've e-mailed her suggesting that we go to a theatre matinee next week - to take her mind off being hungry, I offered. Getting right away from the office and relaxing properly was definitely preferable to the perils of lunch.

One of my staff was outside the office having a cigarette when we returned - not ideal. Later in the afternoon, my boss told me that Bob the Builder had been arrested for fraud, together with the manager of our maintenance contractor. She suggested that I might have heard something about this already "on the grapevine". Did she mean from Indira? Oh the paranoia...

That's an interesting thing though. Indy certainly didn't even hint at any such thing, but perhaps she wasn't yet aware? It happened the previous day, though, apparently. I could ask her if she knows, and what she knows, but she's not acknowledged to me that she's close to Bob, and I don't entirely want to let her know I know, in case she wants it to be secret from me, and perhaps because I feel it gives me a little bit of an edge that she doesn't know I know. Or perhaps she does know I know and I don't want to let her know that I know she knows I know. You see the sort of thing.

She appears to be somewhat friendly with Niles as well, the former manager of her team, who's currently suspended for lying to our manager about an issue I won't bore you with here. I suspect she may have been speaking with him on the phone and perhaps taking lunch with him. The curse of Indira? Perhaps I should watch my step...

How do I feel presently, anyway? I'm not sure. I still think about her way too much of the time, but generally it's not painful at present. I'm thinking maybe I should ask her straight out what her intentions are, say I really want to make love to her but if she's not interested in being more than friends it'll make my life a lot easier because I won't have to keep our outings a secret from Mrs K (or indeed from the office). Should she actually be undecided, or even just waiting for the right psychological moment, that might push her into rejection mode. On the other hand it would put me in control of the situation, put her on the spot and remove this ambiguity which is moving from being rather fun to being rather difficult. On the third hand, having to write off all possibility of sex would take a lot of the frisson out of our outings - holding hands on Hampstead Heath for example was exquisite even if counterpointed with pain. Maybe we should have a couple of entirely-away-from-the-office outings and see if anything develops before making any drastic decisions.