ah...
So she sent me the job app yesterday and I made some suggestions, including some slightly barbed comments about needing to ask someone in the building trade. She also said in an e-mail she'd felt fine on Friday apart from a slightly sore head and how had I felt.? I replied "A dog ate my sandwich! - I think I may be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder". (The symptoms of which have been advertised on the work website following the terrorist attack two Thursdays back). She replied that she thought I needed a holiday to get over this disorder. Hmph. Then towards the end of the afternoon she came over and asked very softly with pleading eyes if I'd help her write the application today - "...is that fair?". "No, it's not fair", I said, "but I will give you a hand".
So this is what I did, sat with her in a meeting room from 5.00pm until 8.00 helping her apply for a job I don't think she'll actually get, and trying hard to project the impression "I know exactly what you're up to, I know you're being flirtatious just to get me to help you, and I know you know I'm desperately besotted with you and you're taking advantage, and we both know I'm never actually going to get anywhere with you, but I like you so much I don't mind".
"I really think you should be a teacher" she said when we finished, "you're so patient...". I looked at her with as unimpressed a look as I could muster and replied, "You can walk me to the Tube station if you like." I let the first southbound go and waited with her for her train. She kissed me goodbye on the lips without prompting, (and wiped her lipstick off my mouth straight after, with perhaps a rather practiced motion). I let her take the lead entirely and even held back a little. Perhaps I should play hard to get?
I've actually been through all the classic stages of grieving with this - shock, denial, anger, guilt (or "perhaps I could have done things differently" at any rate), envy and although I've flirted a little with acceptance I've actually been revisting denial quite a lot. I like denial. Presently I'm thinking that maybe if I get her somewhere quiet and really shamelessly beg, it might just work. Leonard Cohen says it works for him.... and Truffaut's "L'Homme Qui Aiment Les Femmes" has one of the women say to the title character that his successful seduction technique is to look as if he'll die if he doesn't get them.
This afternoon she sent an e-mail "You look stressed today" to which I replied "And your proposals to remedy this are...?" "What do you suggest?" she responded, so I countered, "I think it's your turn to come up with a suggestion". This should have been the cue for a really outrageous response, but sadly only elicited "Did I not suggest the picnic - OK, how about another afternoon away from work - preferably when it's sunny?". Hmm. I did think about saying that the only suggestions I could think of might result in a slap in the face, but decided against it. Again, I don't want her to acknowledge that she's rejected me, I still have this hopelessly optimistic feeling that if we both don't mention it we can forget about it and start afresh from a different point. Plus while I don't mind larking about and appearing to treat this lightly it's actually seriously painful and I don't really want another kick in the teeth, even a very sweetly delivered one.
Tomorrow she goes on two weeks' leave - she's taking this time although her planned month in India has been cancelled I think due to family problems. Hopefully she'll spend one of the 14 days with me, or some of it at least. I'll definitely miss her - and her absence will give my imagination scope to really mess my head up unfortunately.
So this is what I did, sat with her in a meeting room from 5.00pm until 8.00 helping her apply for a job I don't think she'll actually get, and trying hard to project the impression "I know exactly what you're up to, I know you're being flirtatious just to get me to help you, and I know you know I'm desperately besotted with you and you're taking advantage, and we both know I'm never actually going to get anywhere with you, but I like you so much I don't mind".
"I really think you should be a teacher" she said when we finished, "you're so patient...". I looked at her with as unimpressed a look as I could muster and replied, "You can walk me to the Tube station if you like." I let the first southbound go and waited with her for her train. She kissed me goodbye on the lips without prompting, (and wiped her lipstick off my mouth straight after, with perhaps a rather practiced motion). I let her take the lead entirely and even held back a little. Perhaps I should play hard to get?
I've actually been through all the classic stages of grieving with this - shock, denial, anger, guilt (or "perhaps I could have done things differently" at any rate), envy and although I've flirted a little with acceptance I've actually been revisting denial quite a lot. I like denial. Presently I'm thinking that maybe if I get her somewhere quiet and really shamelessly beg, it might just work. Leonard Cohen says it works for him.... and Truffaut's "L'Homme Qui Aiment Les Femmes" has one of the women say to the title character that his successful seduction technique is to look as if he'll die if he doesn't get them.
This afternoon she sent an e-mail "You look stressed today" to which I replied "And your proposals to remedy this are...?" "What do you suggest?" she responded, so I countered, "I think it's your turn to come up with a suggestion". This should have been the cue for a really outrageous response, but sadly only elicited "Did I not suggest the picnic - OK, how about another afternoon away from work - preferably when it's sunny?". Hmm. I did think about saying that the only suggestions I could think of might result in a slap in the face, but decided against it. Again, I don't want her to acknowledge that she's rejected me, I still have this hopelessly optimistic feeling that if we both don't mention it we can forget about it and start afresh from a different point. Plus while I don't mind larking about and appearing to treat this lightly it's actually seriously painful and I don't really want another kick in the teeth, even a very sweetly delivered one.
Tomorrow she goes on two weeks' leave - she's taking this time although her planned month in India has been cancelled I think due to family problems. Hopefully she'll spend one of the 14 days with me, or some of it at least. I'll definitely miss her - and her absence will give my imagination scope to really mess my head up unfortunately.
posted by Lost Tango at 11:59 PM
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