Fallout
Actually, this hurts a whole lot more than I thought it was going to. Like being 21 again, but not in a good way. Obviously I’m not asking for anyone’s sympathy, just reporting the facts.
These things come and go in waves, we know, the top of the wave here being painful envy on account of what I still assume is her liaison with Bob the Builder. Without that, things would be considerably easier to bear. I suppose when you’ve been thinking about something for six months or so and, to be honest, putting it at the top of your list of goals, not having it there any more is bound to produce a bit of fallout.
The mind being what it is, I sometimes find myself trying to rationalise – it was just the wrong time, she might change her mind, the conversation about guilt and long lunches didn’t have the weight I’m putting on it. Well, you never do know, but frankly I suspect this is clutching at straws, even if it does make me feel better for a little while. I've always had this theory that until you crystallise a woman's feelings for you by making a move on her, you're in with a chance if you pick the right moment, but that once she's decided she's not interested, you've had it. I'm not sure if this is actually true, but it's going to prevent me from clarifying the situation with Indira (so crystallising matters further) I suspect.
I did go for a run round the park yesterday morning, the first for a couple of weeks, and felt good. Physical exercise definitely helps, as does the right sort of music – "Music for a Found Harmonium" by the Penguin Cafe Orchestra had me skipping about quite happily on Friday night. However, the refurbishment work on my flat does not have the same appeal now – very much the motor for this was the idea that I’d be taking Indira back there, and now that’s no longer the case, the work is a slog rather than a labour of love. Added to that, being there, in fact the whole idea of the flat and the decorating, is a reminder of my thwarted plans. And Indira’s request to rent a room there... well, hopefully she’ll understand and just drop that, but the idea that I’ve been slaving away frantically for weeks just to give her a place to take someone else is insupportable.
I’ve been trying to find ways of distracting myself. Other attractive women, is my theory, so I’ve been trying to get hold of Mrs K’s sister "I’m feeling fed up – I thought you could cheer me up a bit" or my married ex-girlfriend Jenny who I’ve met up with a couple of times over the last month and who I still harbour a sharp desire of sleeping with once more, for reasons we won’t go into here. I’m not convinced it’s going to work. The idea is to diffuse the pressure by dividing your desire between several people so that no one relationship assumes undue seriousness. I’m not sure it’s working, although perhaps otherwise I would feel a whole lot worse. Certainly thinking hard about Jenny (whose become quite gorgeous as she’s got older, let me tell you) doesn’t seem to help. Maybe seeing her would, but I suspect my plans there may come to naught also, which I assume would make me feel even worse. Whatever, perhaps I will text her on Monday and ask her if next time she comes to London it might be solely to see me... The Sister, meanwhile, is unreachable – I’ve left messages. Dinner out with The Brother and Mrs K last night certainly didn’t help. And it’s not the sort of thing where you can cry on the partner’s shoulder...
I sent Indira a text message on Friday – "Hope you got home OK and not too much the worse for wear. Have a nice day and see you Monday". A reply arrived some hours later (they can get stuck in the ether for a considerable time) "Thank u 4 lunch and the chanmpane, yr efforts really impresed me. Got home ok. Hope u r havin a stress free day. Sorry 4 the misunderstandin." A lot hinges on what we both understand this "misunderstandin" to be. Although specifically it was the idea that we’d stick around after lunch and go and see a movie in the evening, I suspect it might really be the rather larger misunderstanding that our relationship was going to be a sexual one.
By the way, is this love? I was only aiming at an illicit fling all along after all. She bores me sometimes and there are plenty of other women who are more attractive, and even that I fancy more. Perhaps it’s just the rejection that’s upset me, not who’s doing the rejecting. Yet if we judge by the results, the "L" word unfortunately seems to be the most appropriate one. Damn!
It’s not the end of the world. I’ve told myself all along, if it doesn’t work out, any pain is just proof that all the equipment is still working OK. Often I don’t mind at all. I know that in a few days or weeks I’ll feel fine (seeing Indira every day and having to be friends might make things better or worse, I’m not sure yet).
Meanwhile, I’m getting up very early every day, finding it hard to concentrate, my appetite is affected, I feel nauseous, I’m getting mood swings... Who would have thought it at nearly 46 years old? Whoopee.
These things come and go in waves, we know, the top of the wave here being painful envy on account of what I still assume is her liaison with Bob the Builder. Without that, things would be considerably easier to bear. I suppose when you’ve been thinking about something for six months or so and, to be honest, putting it at the top of your list of goals, not having it there any more is bound to produce a bit of fallout.
The mind being what it is, I sometimes find myself trying to rationalise – it was just the wrong time, she might change her mind, the conversation about guilt and long lunches didn’t have the weight I’m putting on it. Well, you never do know, but frankly I suspect this is clutching at straws, even if it does make me feel better for a little while. I've always had this theory that until you crystallise a woman's feelings for you by making a move on her, you're in with a chance if you pick the right moment, but that once she's decided she's not interested, you've had it. I'm not sure if this is actually true, but it's going to prevent me from clarifying the situation with Indira (so crystallising matters further) I suspect.
I did go for a run round the park yesterday morning, the first for a couple of weeks, and felt good. Physical exercise definitely helps, as does the right sort of music – "Music for a Found Harmonium" by the Penguin Cafe Orchestra had me skipping about quite happily on Friday night. However, the refurbishment work on my flat does not have the same appeal now – very much the motor for this was the idea that I’d be taking Indira back there, and now that’s no longer the case, the work is a slog rather than a labour of love. Added to that, being there, in fact the whole idea of the flat and the decorating, is a reminder of my thwarted plans. And Indira’s request to rent a room there... well, hopefully she’ll understand and just drop that, but the idea that I’ve been slaving away frantically for weeks just to give her a place to take someone else is insupportable.
I’ve been trying to find ways of distracting myself. Other attractive women, is my theory, so I’ve been trying to get hold of Mrs K’s sister "I’m feeling fed up – I thought you could cheer me up a bit" or my married ex-girlfriend Jenny who I’ve met up with a couple of times over the last month and who I still harbour a sharp desire of sleeping with once more, for reasons we won’t go into here. I’m not convinced it’s going to work. The idea is to diffuse the pressure by dividing your desire between several people so that no one relationship assumes undue seriousness. I’m not sure it’s working, although perhaps otherwise I would feel a whole lot worse. Certainly thinking hard about Jenny (whose become quite gorgeous as she’s got older, let me tell you) doesn’t seem to help. Maybe seeing her would, but I suspect my plans there may come to naught also, which I assume would make me feel even worse. Whatever, perhaps I will text her on Monday and ask her if next time she comes to London it might be solely to see me... The Sister, meanwhile, is unreachable – I’ve left messages. Dinner out with The Brother and Mrs K last night certainly didn’t help. And it’s not the sort of thing where you can cry on the partner’s shoulder...
I sent Indira a text message on Friday – "Hope you got home OK and not too much the worse for wear. Have a nice day and see you Monday". A reply arrived some hours later (they can get stuck in the ether for a considerable time) "Thank u 4 lunch and the chanmpane, yr efforts really impresed me. Got home ok. Hope u r havin a stress free day. Sorry 4 the misunderstandin." A lot hinges on what we both understand this "misunderstandin" to be. Although specifically it was the idea that we’d stick around after lunch and go and see a movie in the evening, I suspect it might really be the rather larger misunderstanding that our relationship was going to be a sexual one.
By the way, is this love? I was only aiming at an illicit fling all along after all. She bores me sometimes and there are plenty of other women who are more attractive, and even that I fancy more. Perhaps it’s just the rejection that’s upset me, not who’s doing the rejecting. Yet if we judge by the results, the "L" word unfortunately seems to be the most appropriate one. Damn!
It’s not the end of the world. I’ve told myself all along, if it doesn’t work out, any pain is just proof that all the equipment is still working OK. Often I don’t mind at all. I know that in a few days or weeks I’ll feel fine (seeing Indira every day and having to be friends might make things better or worse, I’m not sure yet).
Meanwhile, I’m getting up very early every day, finding it hard to concentrate, my appetite is affected, I feel nauseous, I’m getting mood swings... Who would have thought it at nearly 46 years old? Whoopee.
posted by Lost Tango at 8:04 AM
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